If you remove the sex bits from porn, they’re just short films with really unsatisfying plot lines.
Woman: “I’m so hungry. I am going to order a pizza.”
Man: “Hello, ma’am. Here’s your pizza.”
Woman: (Does not eat pizza.)
SCENE
Hitchhiker: “Hi, I need a lift somewhere. But I don’t have any money. Also I’m wearing very weather-inappropriate clothing.”
Driver: “Sure. Hop in.”
Driver: (Almost immediately stops driving car.)
SCENE
Teen 1: “Sigh. Homework is really boring.”
Teen 2: “Yup. Really boring.”
SCENE
Housewife: “Thank goodness you’re here. These pipes have leaked all over my flimsy white blouse and now I’m soaking wet.”
Plumber: “Sure. Let’s fix that right up for you.”
Plumber: (Does not fix pipes. Floors are probably ruined, now.)
SCENE
Woman: “Goodness me! A burglar! In my bedroom!”
Burglar: (Does not actually steal anything. Is a terrible burglar, really.)
SCENE
Boss: “Secretary! Come here. I need to discipline you for failing to complete this task I gave you.”
Secretary: “Yup. I really am an ineffective secretary. I hope you don’t fire me.”
Boss: (Does not fire her.)
SCENE
Pervert: Spies on woman as she undresses in her bedroom.
Woman: “Oh no! A pervert is spying on me!”
Woman: (Does not stop undressing.)
SCENE
Student: “Oh no — I’m so bad at math. How am I ever going to get a passing grade?”
Teacher: (Does not explain mathematical concepts to student.)
SCENE
Injured man in hospital: “Oh no. I am in a whole-body cast except, conveniently, for the area around my crotch.”
Nurse: “You poor thing.”
Nurse: (Fails to administer any medication. This man’s painkillers are going to wear off in 20–30 minutes and he will regret not insisting on more morphine.)
SCENE
